Untitled

some cliche’ about ‘the end’ goes here

Heather J — Fri, 22 Jul 2011 02:36:02 +0000

i’m starting a new blog. i’ve done all i can do here and i need a fresh start.

see ya!!

http://lostjanuarynights.wordpress.com/

it makes sense if you don’t think about it

Heather J — Wed, 20 Jul 2011 02:35:35 +0000

the last couple of days i’ve been stuck. not going forward with my life, not making any decisions. i’ve been doing nothing because that’s all i can do for right now. i know i can’t move backward. that unfortunately is not a skill that anyone has mastered as of yet. but moving on is too painful for me to consider right now. so i am doing nothing because i don’t know what else to do. we are at a standstill, an impasse, neither one of us willing to give in. i think we are waiting around, hoping that the other will see it our way so we can get over it an move on. i can’t go back to pretending nothing is wrong, like we always seem to do. i may be able to fake it for a few hours here and there but eventually, if not dealt with, it will all blow up in my face again.

so for now, i’ve decided that doing nothing is my best course of action. i’m doing nothing about the situation that i’m faced with until something in me clicks and i can make a clear-headed and precise decision about what i want. then, and only then, will i take any kind of action. for now, i decide to just sink thoughtlessly into my nothingness…like sinking comfortably into a fluffy bed for some good relaxing rest (only this is like rest for my brain).

the least of my problems

Heather J — Tue, 19 Jul 2011 02:40:04 +0000

i feel like i might throw up.

Heather J — Sun, 17 Jul 2011 18:58:36 +0000

electric shock

Heather J — Wed, 13 Jul 2011 19:21:44 +0000

i need a life transplant.

slow dancing in a burning room

Heather J — Mon, 11 Jul 2011 04:19:38 +0000

“letting go isn’t about giving up, it’s about accepting that there are things that cannot be.”

currently

Heather J — Mon, 11 Jul 2011 04:16:42 +0000

i’m going back to school. i guess i’ve grown up enough to finally take it seriously. i don’t want to work a job that i hate for the rest of my life. i don’t have to make a lot of money. i only want to be able to wake up everyday and know that i’m going to be doing something i love doing (or at least something that i don’t hate with every fiber of my being).

i’m going to work part time for the first time in my life. it’s a personal choice. i’ve been working full time since i was 16 and dammit i think i deserve a break. i’ve been contemplating trying to find different work. still part time, but maybe something new. i would love to even work 2 or 3 different jobs where i can have different experiences doing something new. i can’t wait! i am super excited to not have to be away from home for 11-12 hours a day.

my daughter is starting Kindergarten in 4 short weeks! i’m so happy, but i can’t believe it. five years old and starting school. it seems like only yesterday she was a sweet little baby. this is part of the reason i decided to cut down my hours at work. there are few things that i am sure about in my life these days, but being there for my daughter when she needs me is most important. i WANT to be there every day to make her lunch, drop her off and pick her up from school. i have to be there. it’s really not a choice for me. i’m glad i’m finally in a position to be able to spend more time with her. up until this point i have been forced to put her in daycare for close to 10 hours a day. it was a sacrifice that i had to make in order to support us. now i’m happy to be able to have the choice to not have to do that anymore.

i’ve realized that some things are just not important. i have to believe what i see and what i’m told. letting go of the feeling that something is always going on behind my back is liberating. i don’t care anymore. if something bad is going to happen, then fuck it, it’ll happen and there’s nothing i can do to change it. i can only deal with it as it comes. continuously being on the defensive is exhausting. i’ve had up all these walls to protect myself for so long that i wasn’t sure if i could live without them. in reality it’s actually a lot easier to live without them…and i’m simply getting too old to freakin care anymore. i just want to be happy. there’s no way to be happy when you’re constantly worried about what bad thing is going to happen next.

i’m happy with my life and the way things are going right now. i’m in love and it finally feels right again. i’m so grateful for the people i have in my life, the things that i do have and the peace i am finding within myself.

the storm is passing

Heather J — Sun, 10 Jul 2011 05:08:43 +0000

sitting here, listening to John Mayer (i love his music btw!), there’s a storm going on outside…gotta love the AZ monsoon season. drinkin beer number 5 or 6, hangin out without pants, doing laundry, waiting for rew to come home and i’m just completely relaxed and happy : )

i haven’t felt this calm and peaceful in weeks. i find the thunder calming in some sort of naturalistic way. i love the storms. there’s something oddly romantic about them. what i wouldn’t give to have you next to me right now…just laying on the living room floor, listening to the rain, watching the lightning show, feeling you next to me, talking about nothing but love, making a little bit of it. that’s all i need right now.

i feel like i’m finding my balance, my inner peace. i wish i could feel like this all the time. it’s quite amazing.

edge of desire

Heather J — Sat, 09 Jul 2011 23:42:47 +0000

walk away

Heather J — Sat, 09 Jul 2011 16:17:30 +0000

i’m so done.